Words of Sorrow

"Each day should be passed as though it were our last.”

- Publilius Syrus

          It is difficult to know what to do, how to act, or what to say when someone is ill or has died.  Some of the most difficult words to ever express are those of sorrow.  Whether you are conveying your sympathy or sharing your feelings to comfort another, these words often matter most.  During these trying times, words become the windows to the heart and really do make a difference.

          Perhaps you have experienced a time in your life when friends and family reached out and embraced you with words and deeds that softened the pain you were feeling.  While the hurt never left you, the spirit and caring that surrounded you comforted you in ways you never imagined were possible.

          The exchange of kind and caring words helps you and embraces those whom you love.  Words of thanks, words of courage, determination, and kindness, let others know how much you care.

          When someone you love is dying, you may feel as if they want to be left alone.  Never assume that they don’t need you.  They are struggling.  You can call that special someone and say, “I’ve been thinking of you.”  Write or tell them they’re in your thoughts.  Perhaps say, “I’m so sorry. I care.”

          If you know or knew a person who is ill or has died, be sincere and write about their special traits that touched you.  Recall something they taught you, or remember a deed they did.  Your words will help personify their goodness and be more comforting than you’ll ever know.

          Small acts of kindness, bringing in the mail, watering plants, taking a pet to the veterinarian, or having the oil changed in their car also make a significant difference.  It’s the little things that count, and the person who makes a difference is one who finds out what someone really needs and meets those needs.

          Acts and words of kindness that come from the heart will always be most appreciated and appropriate.

            

When Death Occurs Away From Home

            What do I need to know in the event that my husband/wife dies while on vacation miles away from home?  Am I at the mercy of people I don’t even know and/or trust?  What do I do?  Actually, you have many options.  There are many trusted family, friends, and professionals ready to step forward to help you with every little detail.

            When such tragedy occurs, it certainly is reassuring if you know your funeral director...that special someone who, with one phone call, will calm and bring organization to the entire situation. 

            There are many decisions to be made.  How will my husband/wife be sent home?  Is embalming necessary?  Do we purchase a casket?  Do we have enough money?  Will the shipping funeral home accept credit.  How much will it cost?  Are we covered with insurance?

            Somehow, it all gets arranged.  Yes, dying away from home can be complicated, but we make these kinds of arrangements everyday.  We are connected and confident as we slowly help families bring their loved one home.

            This past year, we have helped families send their loved ones home to France, Canada, and to numerous locations in the United States.  Also, we have received loved ones from Iraq and throughout the United States.  Some arrangements fall into place easily, within a short time frame, and others are drawn out and very complicated, depending upon the laws, regulations, and requirements of the receiving/sending funeral home that may or may not  be located in a foreign country. We are very mindful that, all the while, families are anxiously waiting to continue with their own personal plans, as well as making arrangements for their loved one to be laid to rest.  Eventually, it all works out.  It’s quite amazing to me that in almost every circumstance everyone is putting forth their very best effort in aiding families at such a tender time. 

            I suggest that you take the time to visit our mortuary and become acquainted with the men and women who, one day, may be some of your most valued and cherished friends as they make your burden a little lighter.

Trade Secrets

            Secrets of the trade - those little tips that I have picked up over the years.  Most of these “tricks” I have been gleaned from my dad, LeGrande Spilsbury Without a doubt, he was one of the finest funeral director, restorative art technician, and embalmer this profession has ever known.  If you don’t believe me, just ask any funeral director that was in the business during his era.  His abilities were known throughout the state of Utah, and it was my good fortune to have been his son. 

            Secret number one - blue eye shadow.  I learned that blue eye shadow is actually seldom worn on every lady.  I use a little blue shadow, not particularly because it enhances the deceased appearance, but it stand out as something a little different than what is natural.  If the family likes it, great.  But if they don’t, it is easily removed and the family now feels that their input has been well received.  For some crazy reason, it is not supposed to be perfect the first time Isn’t that funny?

            Another wonderful tip is, if there is a case with excess water in the tissues (ede

a little Epson Salt in the embalming solution will make a world of difference. 

            Another tip that gives me a great amount of confidence is a frozen roller bandage.  In the event that there has been excessive swelling of the neck, a frozen roller bandage wrapped tightly around the neck, after embalming, and left overnight, will greatly improve the deceased appearance. 

            These little secrets can make a huge difference when applied in the proper manner. Not only did I pick up tricks of the trade, but tried and true principals, that when

applied properly, enhance and build trust, and lifetime friendships.

            For example, the family is always right, regardless, and every problem must be reconciled immediately. I was also taught that sometimes it is better to turn your cheek rather than subject yourself and employees to a very few who are angry and do not value funeral directors or the service they provide.  There are some I refuse to serve - those who are rude and belittling to my staff.  Every business or profession has their “tricks of the trade”.  Most are practical solutions to a variety of situations.  In the future, look for the blue eye shadow.........!

Sincerely

Ted Spilsbury

The Role of the Funeral Director

            Funeral Directors, to me, are heroes...professionals who serve from their hearts.  They are kind, gentle, and loving – minutemen/women who respond promptly any time of the day or night. They present themselves with confidence, compassion, and sincerity.  They are a select few who are seldom recognized for their veracity and endurance. They seldom are the recipients of community awards or notoriety.  Nevertheless, they are true heroes to each and every family going through the humbling and painful trials of death.  The tender mercies of our hometown Funeral Directors do not go unnoticed.  It radiates in their countenance as they tenderly serve.

            Most everyone has a sacred spot in their heart for the one who gently leads them through the overwhelming experience of death of a loved one.  For me, my first encounter with death was at age seven.  My nine year old sister fell from a converted Studebaker funeral coach.  The top was cut off and Dad, the small town Funeral Director, moonlighted as a tour guide for St. George’s 1^st Dixie Sun Bus.  Well, to make a long story short, my sister fell from the Dixie Sun Bus and was killed as the family was returning home from the Washington County Fair.  In my memory, this event was the most vivid reality of my childhood.  I remember how devastated Mother was, and I remember all those who came to console our family, especially my mother.  I also remember Dad in the background, attending to his daughter’s tender care.

            For many years, I wondered if Mother  would ever go through a day without crying.  It wasn’t until later that I realized the heartache of Dad.  Not only was his heart broken, but his role was to console and gently lead his family back to a more peaceful time. This experience, I am certain, validated to my father the divine role of the Funeral Director.

            We all experience life’s memorable moments, some delightful and fun, some shattering and painful.  In the midst of it all, we remember those who share the joy and those who help us bear the sorrow.

            As a Funeral Director, I have followed in my father’s footsteps.  I, like he, have felt the  warmth within as the validation of the loving Funeral Director is acknowledged.  When we, as Funeral Directors, experience within our own families the pain of death, we realize what an important role we play in society.

            Writing this article has been healing for me.  I share this in fond memory of my dear departed father, LeGrande Spilsbury, who passed away in 2003.

            I am pleased to serve as a Funeral Director, and express my appreciation for all who have chosen this honorable profession.

                                                                                    

The First Christmas Following the Death of My Dad

          A special Christmas tradition in the Spilsbury family was LaGrand Spilsbury, my father, playing his accordion while all the grandchildren danced around pillows on the floor to “musical pillows.”  My father passed away May 14, 2003.  Since then, others have tried to step in for him with this tradition, but no one will ever be able to fill that slot quite the way he did.  It’s just not the same, this ”family tradition” when that someone special is missing.

          Quite frankly, it is emotional for me even to write about it.  This will be our third Christmas without him, and even though the first Christmas was by far the hardest, we truly miss him every year, and this year will be no exception.

           Spilsbury Mortuary will again this year be presenting our annual “Embracing the Holidays” program, especially for  those who have lost a loved one.  It will feature the Heritage Choir with Floyd Rigby, and our guest speakers this year will be Duane Lamoreaux,   Maureen and Dr. Craig Booth.  We extend an invitation to the entire community to come and share this very special time with us.  It will focus on facing the holidays with peace in our hearts, knowing that for many, this will be the first Christmas separated from that very special loved one.

          Our “Embracing The Holidays” program is a sacred, healing experience.

Together we will reflect on past fond memories and Christmases. We will express appreciation for our many blessings, and especially we will remember and pay tribute to the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  He, who gives us hope of a glorious resurrection, giving us that peace which comforts us as we celebrate the holidays with family and friends.

          This year’s program will be held Saturday, December 3, 2005, at 7:00 p.m. in the Spilsbury Mortuary Chapel.  We invite families to bring an ornament and place it on our Christmas Tree of Remembrance.   Our refreshments alone will make you glad you came, and I promise that our “Embracing The Holidays” program will touch your heart and give you courage and strength to carry on with love in your heart.

Sympathy, Empathy & Appreciation

          When death comes to your own, the reality is much more painful than what we might have imagined.  I guess that the “fire down the street” is far enough away that the heat is hardly felt...and such is life.  Unless we are directly closely associated or connected, the tragedy, heartaches, and sorrows in others’ lives are ofttimes hardly noticed.  For example, the war in Iraq doesn’t seem so severe unless your sons, daughters, or grandchildren are serving in the 222^nd.  This past Thanksgiving, Vivian and I were grateful to spend it with our nephew, Josh (who was home on leave), and his family.  How pleased we were to see him, to hug him, to squeeze him, and express our love and best wishes.  Happy/sad moments!

            This past week, Bill Hunt, my former ranch foreman for Spilsbury Land & Livestock, passed away.  Good grief, what a tender moment!  Feelings of appreciation mixed with fond memories...another happy/sad occasion.  In addition, this past week I was severely injured in a horse accident.  I’m going to survive, but nonetheless, I’m once again filled with greater appreciation for good health, and the pain-free life I have enjoyed in the past.

            As I reflect on reality, how insignificant my life is in the worldwide perspective of things.  I could easily come to feel unimportant and minuscule.  But, the truth of the matter is that it really doesn’t matter, except to those few with whom we are connected, and it makes a world of difference to them –  the way we feel, our pain, our tragedies, and our joys.  Whether our support group is large or small, the impact is very much the same.

            In the funeral business, I am one who understands that when “the sky is falling”  those whom I am serving, need a tender, loving shelter, a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, and kind and gentle words.

                                                                                                                                   

            During the holidays, things seem to be magnified.  This past Saturday, we hosted our annual “Embracing the Holidays” program.  It was exceptional!  Maureen and Dr. Craig Booth, Floyd Rigby, and Duane Lamoreaux were the speakers, and all seemed to be in tune, with chosen words to comfort and bring peace to grieving hearts.  We also enjoyed beautiful music from The Heritage Choir.

           

            I would like to extend to you my holiday greeting, an Indian Blessing: “May the Great Spirit bless you, your home, and those you love, with peace and happiness.”

Sincerely,

Ted Spilsbury

Sudden Death

   The devastation and shock of a premature accidental death, whether by automobile accident, or while serving in the military, is in most cases completely overwhelming.  When the tragedy strikes away from home, many circumstances come into play, leaving families wondering “What do we do now?”  The best advice I can give is, know with confidence, that your trusted hometown funeral director can, with one call to him,  bring immediate help.  He is the professional who knows proper procedures and contacts.  Regardless of the situation, he can handle it.  Quite often the funeral arrangements can also be overwhelming for the funeral director, but he will, if at all possible, shield you and your family from additional stress.

          Many times the families will be on edge from the sudden emotional impact.  It will seem to them that the process isn’t working quickly enough.   Questions arise such as, why is it necessary for a medical examiner to be involved? Or, what  services need to be performed - where, when and by whom? They feel it is a nightmare and beyond their comprehension.

          I remember a very dear and close friend of ours whose husband died suddenly of a heart attack while playing softball at a family reunion away from home.  It was total devastation - everything in the world fell upon her that afternoon!  Thank heavens for family, friends and a loving, kind and gentle funeral director who came to her aid.  All of us helped her make the necessary funeral arrangement decisions, as understandably, she was emotionally drained, grief penetrating here entire heart and soul.  She depended on her loved ones to make good decisions, and a beautiful funeral was arranged, leaving a pleasant memory of one of the world’s most loved husband, father and grandfather.  The entire community felt the pain of his parting.

          Often I am called on to assist families as they experience the worst day of their lives. I chose this profession, but quite frankly, sometimes I myself wonder how I am able to step up and orchestrate all the many different options, desires and regulations. It always seems to work out, and no one in more thankful than I when eventually it does.

          May heartache and tragedy never come to you, but if it does, know down deep within your heart that at the end of every rainstorm, the sun will once again shine.

Sincerely, Ted